it is well with my soul

It's such a blessing when God gives you a glimpse of how He has matured you. It has been one of those weeks.

For the first time in, I believe, my life, I love where I live. I feel at rest and at peace, which if you know me are the opposite of my personality. I'm always in a rush, always late, always sticking my foot in my mouth, and always feel in the wrong place at the wrong time, however, not this time. Graciously, the Lord has given me a time of rest, which I couldn't have needed more from these last 5 years. I'm not saying hard stuff isn't happening in my life, in fact, a lot of really hard things are going on. Things that should bring me to my knees in panic, but I must remember whom I serve. I have seen how God has used all that I've gone through, bringing people into my life in similar situations, where I am able to pour insight into their troubles or where others are able to guide me in my own valleys, and am slowly realizing that God has it all figured out. It's hard to relinquish that control. It's hard to trust, when you've been hurt. It's hard to forgive, when there is no sense of ownership on the side of the offense. But, just because something is hard, doesn't mean it isn't feasible. I believe in a God of healing and a God of truth. I believe in a God of restoration.

For the first time, I feel truly grateful and in awe of the Holy One. My heart feels lighter and my emotions feel raw. Since my father's passing, I had become numb and complacent towards the struggles of others. After all, in my mind their sorrow was nothing compared to mine, so why were they whining? But, I'm learning to grieve. I'm learning to set my hope on something much greater. Something so grand it makes me want to shout and bow in reverence all at the same time. I want to live for the hope of seeing the Lord's glory revealed.

I love the book of Habakkuk and tend to identify with it. three chapters. 2 so full of anguish and pain. desolation. destruction. you think it can't get any worse, and then it does, until chapter 3. my favorite. following all of the destruction, comes the Lord's glory. I avoid the destruction. I'm exhausted by it and want it out of my life. So, I run and don't look back. I bail. I see trouble and quickly become like Gideon hiding in my little hole, sifting my wheat. I don't want to hide. I don't want to be in the destruction either, but if through the pain and through the horrors, God's glory will shine, then that's where I want to be.

It's weird when you start noticing these changes in your character and your heart. You don't know how it happened, but somewhere through all the wreckage, the Lord has been working away, chiseling off the hardened areas, and exposing the wounds He wishes to heal. It doesn't mean it's easy, it doesn't mean it's painless, but it means there is healing in the midst.

My soul is full. My heart is glad. I will sing praise. All of my days. Amen.



(this is a painting I made for my Mom. my phoenix. to remind us that even in death, we will rise)

Perseverance

This week I have felt quite overwhelmed. As I looked at my workload and attempted some of my projects, I felt completely lost and abandoned. My mind was not understanding the information I was reading. Scientific reading is not my specialty and boy did I feel dumb with my lack of understanding. Thankfully, I have a sister who is patient and willing to listen as I cried from feeling defeated. She spoke truth though and did not give me a pity party, but rather told me that I was learning perseverance and that though the work is hard, I am intelligent. I am capable. I am learning a new way of thinking, especially having worked with preschoolers for the last three years. I felt encouraged and renewed. Thankful that the Lord has provided me with a strong God-loving family.

On another note, I have finally found a church. My friend Kara invited me to visit her church and I've been going ever since. The music is folky and speaks to the heart of who God is and what He has done for us. The teaching is solid and focused on who the Lord is and how we are to look as followers of Christ. Plus, the fellowship is amazing. Generally, I have found it a bit difficult to find a church where I feel connected and able to jump right into fellowship. But there is amazing community at the church and not to mention there are quite a few single women that are my age that I am able to relate to. It is nice having people that are in the same place you are and are able to walk with you through life. Encouraged.

I look forward to the rest of the semester and will be working diligently on all of my many assignments. The Lord is gracious and my helper in times of need. I know that He has not brought me here to fail and will carry me through the tough times.

Thankful for a loving father.

Psalms 72, 76, 92

As I spent time before the Lord and in prayer with my mom, I felt these psalms being laid on my heart, so I'll post them to share with all.

PSALM 72
Give the king your justice, O God,
and your righteousness to the royal son!
May he judge your people with righteousness,
and your poor with justice!
Let the mountains bear prosperity for the people,
and the hills, in righteousness!
May he defend the cause of the poor of the people,
give deliverance to the children of the needy,
and crust the oppressor!

May they fear you while the sun endures,
and as long as the moon, throughout all generations!
May he be like rain that falls on the mown grass,
like showers that water the earth!
In his days may the righteous flourish, and peace abound, till the moon be no more!

May he have dominion from sea to sea,
and from the River to the ends of the earth!
May desert tribes bow down before him
and his enemies lick the dust!
May the kings of tarshish and of the coastlands
render him tribute;
may the kings of Sheba and Seba bring gifts!
May all kings fall down before him,
all nations serve him!

For he delivers the needy when he calls,
the poor and him who has no helper.
He has pity on the weak and the needy,
and saves the lives of the needy.
From oppression and violence he redeems their life,
and precious is their blood in his sight.

Long may he live;
may gold of Sheba be given to him!
May prayer be made for him continually,
and blessings invoked for him all the day!
May there be abundance of grain in the land;
on the tops of the mountains may it wave;
may its fruit be like Lebanon;
and may people blossom in the cities like the grass of the field!
May his name endure forever,
his fame continue as long as the sun!
May people be blessed in him,
all nations call him blessed!

Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel,
who alone does wondrous things.
Blessed be his glorious name forever;
may the whole earth be filled with his glory!
Amen and Amen!

The prayers of David, the son of Jesse, are ended.


PSALM 76
In Judah God is known;
his name is great in Israel.
His abode has been established in Salem,
his dwelling place in Zion.
There he broke the flashing arrows,
the shield, the sword, and the weapons of war. Selah

Glorious are you, more majestic
than the mountains of prey.
The stouthearted were stripped of their spoil;
they sank into sleep;
all the men of war
were unable to use their hands.
At your rebuke, O God of Jacob,
both rider and horse lay stunned.

But you, you are feared!
Who can stand before you
when once your anger is roused!
From the heavens you uttered judgment;
the earth feared and was still,
when God arose to establish judgment,
to save all the humble of the earth Selah

Surely the wrath of man shall praise you;
the remnant of wrath you will put on like a belt.
Make your vows to the Lord your God
and perform them;
let all around him bring gifts
to him who is to be feared,
who cuts off the spirit of princes,
who is to be feared by the kings of the earth.


PSALM 92
It is good to give thanks to the LORD,
to sing praises to your name, O Most High;
to declare your steadfast love in the morning,
and your faithfulness by night,
to the music of the lute and the harp,
to the melody of the lyre.
For you, O LORD, have made me glad by your work;
at the works of your hands I sing for joy.

How great are your works, O LORD!
Your thoughts are very deep!
The stupid man cannot know;
the fool cannot understand this:
that though the wicked sprout like grass
and all evildoers flourish,
they are doomed to destruction forever;
but you, O LORD, are on high forever.
For behold, your enemies, O LORD,
for behold, your enemies shall perish;
all evildoers shall be scattered.

But you have exalted my horn like that of the wild ox;
you have poured over me fresh oil.
My eyes have seen the downfall of my enemies;
my ears have heard the doom of my evil assailants.

The righteous flourish like the palm tree
and grown like a cedar in Lebanon.
They are planted in the house of the LORD;
they flourish in the courts of our God.
They still bear fruit in old age;
they are ever full of sap and green,
to declare that the LORD is upright;
he is my rock, and there is no
unrighteousness in him.

abundance

God is so gracious. These last few weeks, I feel that the Lord has just given to me in such abundance, whether in provision, finances, friendships, or experiences. I have such a full heart!

After going through such a hard few years, particularly last year, and having been stripped of so much pride, I have grown to be quite thankful. I am amazed that with each blessings arrival, my heart responds with thanksgiving, which is the Lord's doing. I, myself, am a selfish creature, full of overwhelming expectations and judgements, but the Lord is slowly changing that. Making me a person that sees people for who they truly are, accepts things with a grateful heart and enjoys things with a joyful spirit! There is much left to do, but I finally feel that my desire to be cleansed and renewed is become apparent to myself, which is quite the accomplishment!

I am so excited and hopeful about what is to come in this upcoming year in Columbia. I continue to search for my future, where I am to go, what I am to do, but for once, I am also enjoying where I am.... amazing.

Phil 4:13

Often I think about this verse in Philippians. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I repeat it quite often to myself , but have noticed it becoming more of a go to verse and more of a negative connotation. This verse, that is suppose to bring encouragement is becoming more of a discouragement.

The other day, while on the treadmill, I was thinking. What else is there to do? So, I began to think about walking faster and at a higher incline and how my shins hurt and my legs burn....then I realized I kept quoting Phil 4:13 to myself. I am glad I have a verse to cling to, but I realize how americanized I have made the verse itself. I have begun to interpret this verse as saying "I can do all things through Christ (NOW AND ON THE FIRST TRY) who gives me strength....

This is americanized. Expecting immediate results. Expecting things on my timeline. Expecting things my way. NOT SO. yes I can do all things through Christ, but on his timeline and in His plans. Some things take work, like exercise :/ and eating healthy. Some things take patience. Somethings aren't meant to work out. Whatever the case, I am able now to have a new sense of refreshment towards these words of encouragement.

I just think it is funny that God uses the most random times to show up and set my paths straight once again. Probably because I had slowed down enough to listen.

this is africa

I just made this for my class. I think it's pretty decent, especially since it's my first movie!!! :)

disappointed

Today was a difficult day at church. The service was mainly about justifying why the church does things the way they do, which is good to inform that congregation of, but is it necessary for an actual service? I know that church is not about me and that there are going to be times when I am challenged on what I believe, but when the sermon seems to be more of a soap box that is riddled with judgement rather than love, it is hard. I'm not saying the pastor doesn't love his congregation, rather quite the opposite, but when you put down others to show that love....well, it seems the bible is getting left in the dust.

Maybe, I'm just over sensitive or lack insight, but I felt a bit overwhelmed and offended by the message. My way of the highway seemed about the gist of the message. I am thankful for the opportunity to go to church freely and worship the Lord, but I am seeking a place of community. A place full of all ages, with experience to learn from and people that stretch you beyond what you think feasible. I want a place where I can be filled and poured out. where I leave feeling challenged in my faith to go home and search the scriptures.

So far, I have not found that church and there is no perfect church. I am thankful that I have options in which church I attend. I am truly blessed by this freedom. I will begin praying that the Lord move me to a church where I will have a purpose and be able to do His will to the best of my capability. Hope.