offering

It's so late. I can't sleep. Something is just not sitting right...might have been dinner, might be worry, might be past exhaustion, might be learning new things and constantly thinking of new things. Whatever the reason, I sit here, half awake, half asleep, typing.

Today, my sister and I went to Newspring Community Church and it was off-the-hook! The worship was amazing and not to mention being able to see how much that church has done for the community...astounding! I can't believe it! I want to be a part of it...I am a part of it! How exciting! I've never wanted to be a part of something so much in my life (except when I came to Lifepoint - my current church). It's weird though. I love my church...I mean LOVE my church. Want to serve. want to reach out. what to pray for the pastor, the people, the church as a whole. want to contribute. But I can't get enough of this other church....to the point where I am willing to drive obscene hours just to spend 1 1/2 hours at the church and drive obscene hours back. I've never been that excited about anything...I mean anything! I worry about idolizing the church and think about why I like it. It's a mega-church and I'm usually really turned off by large churches. The worship is amazing, but then again so is Lifepoint's and a lot of other churches I have been. The pastor is real, admitting his failures, but then again so is the church I go to now. They love their community and ACTUALLY help it..but so does my currant church. Is it the new factor of the church? I don't know...I just know that I found a pastor that I feel inspired by...I feel filled up and challenged every time. I don't get it. It's weird and crazy but I am just enjoying the church while I can.

Anyways, on another note, I have been learning how much I crave control. I fear the unknown. I fear being rejected again and disappointed. I fear getting too excited about things, for fear of them turning out to be not as great as I built them up to be. I fear. bottom line. and I care way to much what people think. As I was driving back from Anderson today, my sister and I were listening to Brandon Heath (he's amazing) and I heard these lyrics:

[I can’t walk without watching where I’m going
I can’t speak without knowing what to say
I can’t love and have any hesitation
Cause I know that you don’t work that way

I can’t reach without something to offer
I can’t come now I am so ashamed
I can’t hold out from you any longer
Cause I know that you don’t work that way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
Not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why
I shouldn’t trust you with mine

It’s never easy changing my direction
It’s so unnatural to loosen up my grip
Are you growing weary of all my good intentions
Cause I know that You don’t work that way

Some days
This wait upon my shoulder
Is my shame
I know I should know better
Cause you say
That I must now surrender
There’s no other way]

And God just started working in my heart. Let go. I won't fail you. Then here creep those stinking "what-ifs"...they're so frustrating that Shel silverstein even wrote a poem about them! What if I'm wrong? What if I look stupid? ... NO MORE WHAT IF'S!!! I am just tired of living my life around what-if's, around what other people think I should do, who other people think I should like, what job will make more money, where I think I will be the happiest...blah blah blah bottom line is that God has been taken out of the equation in ALL of those scenarios...which means...life isn't going to be what it was meant to be. Can I do this? Can I loosen the grip and offer up my dreams, my hopes, my darkest secrets, my life goals in exchange for His. He promises a plan and to grant us the desires of our hearts. He is faithful. Then why do I hold on? Why can't I just let go. baby steps I suppose. But tonight, I will stand, with my arms raised high, palms wide open, with everything I am, own, aspire to be, dream of, hope for and anything else resting in my hands waiting on the Lord....asking Him to take the things that aren't in His plan...things that will be replaced with something much better. something great. and just trust. even if I have to keep doing this, which I assume will happen for a long time if not my lifetime, I will strive to live the life the Lord has prepared. after all, He gave His son's life so that I may live...the least I can do is offer that life back to Him. AMEN!