stillness

So this week, I'm going to dedicate as much time to being still before the Lord, or at least learning to be still before such a mighty, loving God. My life has become chaos. I've learned to organize it well, but in essence, I never have enough time. Right before the holidays, I think I was cramming a 26 hour day into 21 hours so that I could crank in 3 hours of sleep just to do it all over again the next day. Enough is enough. I hide behind busyness. All of the things I do, however, appear to be great things, and I believe most of them I've clearly felt God asking me to be a part of, BUT not when they have not only become my priority, but have become a way for me to create a buffer between myself and God. Let me explain, God speaks in a whisper, so faint, so gentle, so penetrating. If there are enough distractions, then perhaps you can't hear that voice....then how can you ever be blamed? You can always use the excuse, well I thought God was telling me to do that. Or I was sure I heard Him say something along those lines. What happens when we take all of the distractions, all of the schedules, all of the wasted time away and just be still. I have to admit...the idea is almost terrifying. What if the stillness is a deafening void...if that's even feasible. My mind keeps bringing me back to Jonah, it's been overwelming how many times in the last few months that I have been surrounded, almost engulfed, in the story of Jonah. For me, the story of Jonah was something I learned as a child. I knew the story front to back. no big deal. Jonah was a moron...stubborn, oblivious, deliberately rebellious...who would do that? me. yikes. there's that penetrating flashlight in the darkness narrowing in on me and me alone. I've begun to realize, I am like a Jonah. I haven't heard what God's purpose is for my life, because I refuse to be still long enough. Don't get me wrong, I know God is bigger than my foolish mind games and could scream out my purpose, but I don't think God works that way. I could be wrong, but I just think God wants us to choose Him over the distractions. I've always felt that the more we choose God over other things, the clearer His voice becomse and vice versa, the more we choose to distract ourselves the fainter and more distorted God's voice becomes. Do I want to know my purpose? Hell yea! Do I want to live to the fullest? who doesn't? Then, why is my life not this way? fear. stubbornness. I fear God is going to ask me to do something I don't want to do. And even worse, God might make me face my fears...which He probably will. I get nauseous just thinking about some of the things I've seen in my life, things that haunt me, and yet there are so many things that are more horrific in this world...what if God makes me do something that traumatizing? I literally want to faint. But you know what, if I recognize that I am acting like a Jonah, then the story takes on a whole new, more applicable, perspective. Life blows without God. Life blows worse if you know God and run from Him and choose to control your own life...whether you are doing Godly things of not...without God, they are merely weeds amongst the flowers. I want to be the flower amongst the weeds...even if it means standing solo...as hard as that may be.


My spirit fights for freedom, my mind fights for control. Who wins? I've always heard the phrases "mind over matter" and "if you put your mind to it, you can do anything"...well, I think the people who coined these phrases left out an important element in humans...the spirit, lead by God, is feisty and I have a sneaky suspicion that my spirit is about to unleash the fury. You can fight and fight, but eventually, the spirit will get tired of being suppressed.