stillness

So this week, I'm going to dedicate as much time to being still before the Lord, or at least learning to be still before such a mighty, loving God. My life has become chaos. I've learned to organize it well, but in essence, I never have enough time. Right before the holidays, I think I was cramming a 26 hour day into 21 hours so that I could crank in 3 hours of sleep just to do it all over again the next day. Enough is enough. I hide behind busyness. All of the things I do, however, appear to be great things, and I believe most of them I've clearly felt God asking me to be a part of, BUT not when they have not only become my priority, but have become a way for me to create a buffer between myself and God. Let me explain, God speaks in a whisper, so faint, so gentle, so penetrating. If there are enough distractions, then perhaps you can't hear that voice....then how can you ever be blamed? You can always use the excuse, well I thought God was telling me to do that. Or I was sure I heard Him say something along those lines. What happens when we take all of the distractions, all of the schedules, all of the wasted time away and just be still. I have to admit...the idea is almost terrifying. What if the stillness is a deafening void...if that's even feasible. My mind keeps bringing me back to Jonah, it's been overwelming how many times in the last few months that I have been surrounded, almost engulfed, in the story of Jonah. For me, the story of Jonah was something I learned as a child. I knew the story front to back. no big deal. Jonah was a moron...stubborn, oblivious, deliberately rebellious...who would do that? me. yikes. there's that penetrating flashlight in the darkness narrowing in on me and me alone. I've begun to realize, I am like a Jonah. I haven't heard what God's purpose is for my life, because I refuse to be still long enough. Don't get me wrong, I know God is bigger than my foolish mind games and could scream out my purpose, but I don't think God works that way. I could be wrong, but I just think God wants us to choose Him over the distractions. I've always felt that the more we choose God over other things, the clearer His voice becomse and vice versa, the more we choose to distract ourselves the fainter and more distorted God's voice becomes. Do I want to know my purpose? Hell yea! Do I want to live to the fullest? who doesn't? Then, why is my life not this way? fear. stubbornness. I fear God is going to ask me to do something I don't want to do. And even worse, God might make me face my fears...which He probably will. I get nauseous just thinking about some of the things I've seen in my life, things that haunt me, and yet there are so many things that are more horrific in this world...what if God makes me do something that traumatizing? I literally want to faint. But you know what, if I recognize that I am acting like a Jonah, then the story takes on a whole new, more applicable, perspective. Life blows without God. Life blows worse if you know God and run from Him and choose to control your own life...whether you are doing Godly things of not...without God, they are merely weeds amongst the flowers. I want to be the flower amongst the weeds...even if it means standing solo...as hard as that may be.


My spirit fights for freedom, my mind fights for control. Who wins? I've always heard the phrases "mind over matter" and "if you put your mind to it, you can do anything"...well, I think the people who coined these phrases left out an important element in humans...the spirit, lead by God, is feisty and I have a sneaky suspicion that my spirit is about to unleash the fury. You can fight and fight, but eventually, the spirit will get tired of being suppressed.

offering

It's so late. I can't sleep. Something is just not sitting right...might have been dinner, might be worry, might be past exhaustion, might be learning new things and constantly thinking of new things. Whatever the reason, I sit here, half awake, half asleep, typing.

Today, my sister and I went to Newspring Community Church and it was off-the-hook! The worship was amazing and not to mention being able to see how much that church has done for the community...astounding! I can't believe it! I want to be a part of it...I am a part of it! How exciting! I've never wanted to be a part of something so much in my life (except when I came to Lifepoint - my current church). It's weird though. I love my church...I mean LOVE my church. Want to serve. want to reach out. what to pray for the pastor, the people, the church as a whole. want to contribute. But I can't get enough of this other church....to the point where I am willing to drive obscene hours just to spend 1 1/2 hours at the church and drive obscene hours back. I've never been that excited about anything...I mean anything! I worry about idolizing the church and think about why I like it. It's a mega-church and I'm usually really turned off by large churches. The worship is amazing, but then again so is Lifepoint's and a lot of other churches I have been. The pastor is real, admitting his failures, but then again so is the church I go to now. They love their community and ACTUALLY help it..but so does my currant church. Is it the new factor of the church? I don't know...I just know that I found a pastor that I feel inspired by...I feel filled up and challenged every time. I don't get it. It's weird and crazy but I am just enjoying the church while I can.

Anyways, on another note, I have been learning how much I crave control. I fear the unknown. I fear being rejected again and disappointed. I fear getting too excited about things, for fear of them turning out to be not as great as I built them up to be. I fear. bottom line. and I care way to much what people think. As I was driving back from Anderson today, my sister and I were listening to Brandon Heath (he's amazing) and I heard these lyrics:

[I can’t walk without watching where I’m going
I can’t speak without knowing what to say
I can’t love and have any hesitation
Cause I know that you don’t work that way

I can’t reach without something to offer
I can’t come now I am so ashamed
I can’t hold out from you any longer
Cause I know that you don’t work that way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
Not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why
I shouldn’t trust you with mine

It’s never easy changing my direction
It’s so unnatural to loosen up my grip
Are you growing weary of all my good intentions
Cause I know that You don’t work that way

Some days
This wait upon my shoulder
Is my shame
I know I should know better
Cause you say
That I must now surrender
There’s no other way]

And God just started working in my heart. Let go. I won't fail you. Then here creep those stinking "what-ifs"...they're so frustrating that Shel silverstein even wrote a poem about them! What if I'm wrong? What if I look stupid? ... NO MORE WHAT IF'S!!! I am just tired of living my life around what-if's, around what other people think I should do, who other people think I should like, what job will make more money, where I think I will be the happiest...blah blah blah bottom line is that God has been taken out of the equation in ALL of those scenarios...which means...life isn't going to be what it was meant to be. Can I do this? Can I loosen the grip and offer up my dreams, my hopes, my darkest secrets, my life goals in exchange for His. He promises a plan and to grant us the desires of our hearts. He is faithful. Then why do I hold on? Why can't I just let go. baby steps I suppose. But tonight, I will stand, with my arms raised high, palms wide open, with everything I am, own, aspire to be, dream of, hope for and anything else resting in my hands waiting on the Lord....asking Him to take the things that aren't in His plan...things that will be replaced with something much better. something great. and just trust. even if I have to keep doing this, which I assume will happen for a long time if not my lifetime, I will strive to live the life the Lord has prepared. after all, He gave His son's life so that I may live...the least I can do is offer that life back to Him. AMEN!

I love the holidays

So, Christmas was great this year...probably the best celebration we have had in a long time. Everyone was joyful. I got way more gifts than expected, but loved all of them and am thankful to be able to get gifts. My grandparents visited this year, which is nice because I can't remember the last time I saw them...actually, it might have been when I graduated from college in may '07. Long time. Well, here is a picture from the holiday. ENJOY and merry late Christmas.

A thankful heart

Man, I am SO thankful right now. Thankful for a family. for a mom that is incredibly loving. a dad that is amazingly encouraging. for a savior that is selfless and perfect. a church that is serving. a mind that is able to learn new things. and SO much more. gosh. I am really excited to just be learning and having distractions be revealed to me. It's a pretty cool feeling, even if it is just for a moment, when all your worries and distractions dissipate as you stand in awe and complete freedom. What a great way to catch your breath!

BLOWN AWAY

I am so in love! God is really such a forgiving and miraculous God. How could I ever ask for more? I love when my life gets demolished and leaves me standing there in raw flesh...this is when I know something big is happening...and yes, I'm usually that oblivious. My spirit is jubilant! I finally had a chance to visit Newspring church yesterday and it was worth the drive! The worship was amazing and the pastor was hilarious...not to mention the welcoming staff and the message that rocked my world. I've been in church for awhile but have never heard the Christmas story from Harod's perspective...so intriguing! Then, church this morning was freaking amazing too! I guess when you are around something for awhile you forget how much you love it until it isn't there....well, I really enjoyed Newspring and it was def. a dream of mine to visit there and I would love to be able to go there...BUT as I thought about looking for jobs in Anderson, my heart was just sad. I would miss Lifepoint. I love Lifepoint. I am so thankful to be a part and serve a church that loves God first and serves the community every chance it gets! and then today, the worship, the message, the people, the kids my heart has never been so full. Gosh. overwhelmed. I just stood there and wept as I finally forgave myself and allowed God's grace to take over. What a glorious day!

2nd post for the night

Derek Webb's Wedding Dress -this song is so captivating. really makes you think. I'm thankful for a God that is wild.

also, I get to visit NEWSPRING COMMUNITY CHURCH .... I'm PSYCHED

wow.

I love when my spirit sings. Tonight, this is resognating through my entirety:

Til on that cross that Jesus died,
the wrath of God was SATISFIED,
for every sin on Him was laid;
here in the death of Christ I LIVE.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain,
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again.

And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me.
for I am His and He is mine;
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me.
from life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny!

No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand.
Till He returns or calls me home;
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand!


My heart is full and thankful. I'm ready.

my prayer

Father God, here I am, broken-breaking, alone. I thank you for giving m echances and allowing me to come back. Father, forgive me for my sins, my suprsesion, my doubt. Father, forgive me for tearing myself down, Lord, I need you. I need your truth and love,. Father, break through my walls. Tear them down and bring beauty and strength in their place. Father, help me with my thought proces and being negative as well as self consumed. I want to be confident and free. Lord, how do I see myself through your eyes? How do I breakfree? I am so thankful for time with friends but Lord my heart breaks. My spirit fades and I become a wreck-englufed in reage, englufed in fears, insecurities, plagued by jealousy, I hate it. I hate getting my worth from people, Father, but I don't know how to get it from you. My spirit is weak, my body bruised and torn, my mind entangled, my worth diminished. How did things get this bad? How did I become so enslaved? Free me Father~ I worry and fear and beat myself up and compare and judge. I hate it. I feel filthy. God, thank you that you accept me in my shame rather than comdemnation. That yo look lovingly down upon my tattered offerings with patience and hope. You see what I can become. You see the beauty that demans attention. you see a vision and a purpose waiting to change the world. I stand still fearful of backtracking, of failing, of hindering or misleading others, hoping to be brave, to have enough courage to move. I don't thought Lord. my legs, weighed down and heavy, stand still while my entire insides scream for movement. They want freedom, they want to be used, they want a purpose and yet I hold myself back fro everything and everyone. What a shame Father! I ask for you to break down the walls, the lies I've used as a fortress, the incapability of my understanding, my fears, my habits. Refine me Father. I want to be as pure as gold, to stand on a foundation of saphires. thank you Father for your restoration, for your son's life, for the ability to live in the shadow of your wings. I ask to one day be brave enough to step out. I want what you see, your plans, and though I feel defeated, I know that you bring strength and rejuvination. I want your truth to be so engrained in my heart, so fresh in my mind, so chained around my neck that I am able to shake the world at it's core - for your glory, for your purpose, for more people to see the truth, to see more people renewed and hopeful. thank you Father God. I love you and lay down my life and my expectations...You truly are a conforting Father. I'm honored to be your daughter. In and by your son's precious name, Amen.

stretched.

Man, God showed me so much and all today...so, get ready for a long entry.

While going through the search for significance workbook, I just started getting overwhelmed. I kep thinking and thinking, struggling to figure out the root issue of why I was feeling bombarded with emotion. Then, my mind flooded. Face to face with fears that have haunted my conscious for way too long. I couldn't handle the idea that I can't earn my salvation or at least pay God back. Don't get me wrong, I would never want to live in a world where I would have to pay God back, not only for the fact that it is impossible, but also for the knowledge that I would always be in fear of missing the mark. I fight against a rage in my bones towards God for presenting such a huge, life-saving gift, without asking me. Selfish I know, but honest. Though, I have accepted Christ as my Savior and what God gave to me, I still get overwhelmed by not being able to pay it back. I don't want these fears. I want to be thankful. I hate feeling indebted, especially when I know that that is missing the point. That the whole point was for our freedom.

Then, while I was on my way to babysit, I just kept thinking of Jesus on the cross. God wanted me to go deeper....to get to the root of my issue. My anger turned to sorrow...God, why did another human being have to die for me? I haven't done anything really detrimental to the world...was it really necessary? I was bombarded with such an idea of unworthiness, as well as the continual sorrow. Someone had to die for my life, for my choices, for who I am, so that I can be free and so that I can experience communion with the Father...wow. That's a hard realization. Not only did someone suffer for me, but they suffered so that I can be happy. What?!!? Does that really happen?!?!? Thankful.

After that, after the children had gone to bed, I decided to read this book I read awhile ago called Hinds' Feet on High Places. And there were so many amazing things in there! Here are a few of the quotes:

----[and the little wild flowers have a wonderful lesson to teach. They offer themselves so sweetly and confidently and willingly, even if it seems that there is no one to appreciate them. Just as though they sang a joyous little song to themselves, that it is so happy to love, even though one is not loved in return...All the fairest beauties in the human soul, its greatest victories, and its most splendid achievements are always those which no one else knows anything about, or can only dimly guess at. Every inner response of the human heart to Love and every conquest over self-love is a new flower on the tree of Love.]---

*Man, to be able to say that. So often, I seek recognition. Whether, I look pretty today, I did a great job at work, whether I came up with the most amazing art project the world has ever seen for children, whatever the issue...I like to be recognized. But I'm slowly learning that sometimes the best gratification is when we aren't recognized. When we can silently love. When we don't need that recognition or approval.



------[The High Places, are the starting places for the journey down to the lowest place in the world. When you have hinds' feet and can go 'leaping on the mountains and skipping on the hills,' you will be able, as I am, to run down from the heights in gladdest self-giving and then go up to the mountains again. You will be able to mount to the High Places swifter than eagles, for it is only up on the High Places of Love that anyone can receive the power to poue themselves down in an utter abandonment of self-giving.]-------

*This is what I am looking forward to.



---------[but almost at once she turned to the Shepherd and said thankfully, "I will trust you and do whatever you want," Then, as she looked up in his face, he smiled most sweetly and said something he had never said before, "You have one real beauty, Much-Afraid, you have such trustful eyes. Trust is one of the most beautiful things in the world. When I look at the trust in your eyes I find you more beautiful to look upon than many a lovely queen."]--------

*I just really liked this and thought it was really sweet. What a great compliment. I love trusting eyes.


All of this within 7 hours...whew....God really is so amazing!

jealousy

well, I'm a jealous person. Whether it's about somebody getting recognition for my work, somebody being prettier than I am, someone being smarter than I am, someone being funnier....whatever the reason, it always involves another. Today it was mentioned that God is a jealous God and when we are jealous of others, we are making an idol out of that person. And we all know how God feels about idols (if, however, you don't you should read Exodus). I then pondered the idea that God is a jealous God. If God is a jealous God, then why is it wrong to be jealous (I knew it was wrong, but I wasn't sure why)? My attention was then directed to the fact that God has a right to be jealous, he did in fact create everything. We, on the other hand, did not create these things we are jealous of, so in essence we are coveting anothers possessions. woah.

I love being broken down. I need to be broken down. How else can we become a new creation, without first dieing to ourselves? Amazing.

yea

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

The best part of the job

It's such a blessing to be loved by a child. Children are so honest, innocent, and free and one they are old enough to talk, they fight for their independence. They love to prove that they don't need you and can do things on their own. But man, when they coming running up to you, arms stretched to their maximum length, smiling ear to ear my heart melts. All my worries fade in the background and for a moment I am able to see pure joy. My job is such a blessing! I strive to have an ounce of that freedom...no cares in the world...just freedom. Amazing.