contemplation

This last week has been so overwhelming. I've never been so encouraged in my life. I just feel little pieces of my life coming together...things I thought were simply dreams might now been tangible in the near future. What? Is this for real? The enemy has been working overtime to try to tear me down. Usually, I quickly fade to the lies and worries and buckle under the pressure. But this time, it's different. Have I worried? yes. Have I accepted lies? yes. But, I'm not letting it keep me down. As I've prayed for discernment, my eyes have been opened to the enemies tactics. Jealousy. No raises this year at work. Not recognized or appreciated at work. Thinking there is something is wrong with you. I'm thankful that I'm more grounded to recognize these things. God is so good.

beyond blessed

I think this has to have been one of the most encouraging days. So blessed, honored and free. I think three fears were conquered! Man, God is so good, faithful, unbelieveable, life-giving, overwhelming, consuming, my all. I'm thankful.

welcome to my world of pushing people away. I've come to realize that I have a tendency to get close to people and then when things get really personal, I start backtracking. I turn around, distance myself, and just treat them more like acquaintances....really frustrating. Pride, Pain and Fear are the culprits, but how long will I let them rule my life? This is my life isn't it? And I've given my life to the Lord...so why are things that aren't of the Lord ruling my life? They always say the hardest part is admitting the problem....now, if only I could recognize my actions BEFORE I do them....rather than afterwards.

RUSH OF FOOLS never far away

Another mile down the road
Another mile from our home
At times I feel quite alone
Cause you know, cause you know all there is to know
So hold my heart, as it’s breaking apart
And I’ll hold yours in mine

Oh oh oh oh, you’re never far away
Oh, oh, oh, oh, you’re never far away
Oh, oh, oh, oh, you’re never far away
From me

I close my eyes and try to see
See you right in front of me
As if you’re only in my dreams
But you are everywhere and in between
You’re the moonlight in the dark of my night
And you shine bright so I can see

Oh oh oh oh, you’re never far away
Oh, oh, oh, oh, you’re never far away
Oh, oh, oh, oh, you’re never far away
From me

You catch my tears as they fall
It’s like I never left at all
And all the world feels so small
Cause right now we are high above it all
So hold me close, don’t ever let me go
Tell me what I already know

Oh oh oh oh, you’re never far away
Oh, oh, oh, oh, you’re never far away
Oh, oh, oh, oh, you’re never far away
From me

brokenness

my prayer: that God would put all my brokenness back together.

"give me your eyes so I can see"

So this morning, I actually had time to read the Bible...which is incredibly amazing considering I am almost always running late in the mornings. But I was reading a little more in 1 Samuel and came across this:

[But God told Samuel, "Looks aren't everything. Don't be impressed with his looks and stature. I've already eliminated him. God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart."]
1 Samuel 16:7

With each passing year, I realize just how shallow I was growing up and still can be to this day. I just pray that as I draw closer to the Lord, I will be able to see people's hearts first. I want to see people the way God does.

obedience

[There's no rule that says God can only deliver by using a big army. No one can stop God from saving when he sets his mind to it]
1 Samuel 14:5b

bottom line? Jonathan had faith. He knew the reality of God's greatness. Often, I get trapped in the illusion that the world revolves around me. I guess I tend to forget that God is able to do all things. So many times I find myself carrying the weight of the world. Everyone's problems are my problems. I have to solve everything. I have to do great things. all the time. no breaks. no relaxation. And though it is good to help others and serve others, it's all about motives. In the end, yes, people are being helped, but look at yourself from another's perspective. You're a wreck, pulled from all angles, mangled, torn, filthy, and exhausted. Who are you really helping when you have nothing to give except tattered rags?

As I continued to read in 1 Samuel, the picture became even more uncomfortable. First, a little background...Saul had been appointed king. Saul had been instructed to go to war with the Amalekites and totally wipe them out. Saul decided to do almost that and keep a couple of the cattle and loot that they found in order to offer it to the Lord. Sounds good? no. He wasn't obedient. He was about appearances.

[Do you think all God wants are sacrifices-
empty rituals just for show?
He wants you to listen to him!
Plain listening is the thing,
not staging a lavish religious production.
Not doing what God tells you
is far worse than fooling around in the occult.
Getting self-important around God
is far worse than making deals with your dead ancestors.
Because you said No to God's command,
he says No to your kingship.]
1 Samuel 15:22-23

wow. How many times have I hidden behind the religiosity? How many times have I done Godly things for mere appearances? I constantly find myself asking this question. Though I have a big heart and long to help, I do battle with my motives. I admit that I struggle with appearance.

[Saul gave in and confessed, "I've sinned. I've trampled roughshod over God's Word and your instructions. I care more about pleasing the people. I let them tell me what to do."]
1 Samuel 15:24

I battle that. I so often turn to others for advice instead of God.

I have begun to long for an obedient spirit. Obedience is a choice and sometimes a rather difficult one at that! I don't know how many times, I've made choices that appear to be Godly, and even had a way of rationalizing these actions like Saul did in 1 Samuel 15:20-21, but when it came down to it, I was being disobedient.

All I want is to be obedient. In the easy times. In the hard times. All the time. So, that's my prayer, that I will not get wrapped up in other's opinions, in doing Godly things, in appearing to have it all together, but rather to be obedient in all circumstances...to care more about God's opinion than those of others. As I think about it, it seems rather obvious...if I was going to give someone a gift, I wouldn't give them something just become someone else likes it. I would take into account who the person was, their character, their words, their lives and then give them something according to those accounts...so then why do I always turn to others in order to give something to God. Shouldn't I know God's character first. his word. his life. and then take the words of others and measure them according to HIM?

What a hard lesson...especially for someone that struggles with authority. I used to despise being told what to do. I always thought I knew better or could figure it out on my own. I liked to make my own mistakes. blaze my own trail. But over the years, I've come to see the pain this rebellion has caused. the time wasted. the mind deceived and twisted. I've begun to realize just how great authority can be. To hear the wisdom of those that have gone before me. of those much wiser. of those more experienced. And if I have the opportunity to learn under the one who is all-knowing, all-powerful, understands all temptation, defeated death, revolutionized the world and ended up victorious with a still prevalent world movement, then why am I wasting my time being prideful/arrogant and just plain stubborn. I don't want to waste another minute on foolishness. I will seek first His kingdom. How could I not with a resume like that (not that He needed one, but I believe he sent it to show us just how overqualified He is). Thank you God. teach me obedience.

my heart

The last couple days, I've been longing to be in Boone. I miss the air there, the people, the memories, the beauty. Maybe it's been the weather, maybe it's that a part of my soul came alive in the mountains, maybe it's both. I have just been wanting to hike so bad, so my roomie and I went to the park for a walk/run and then played some frisbee. How fun, but my soul wasn't quenched. So, when I got back to the house, I left again (after grabbing my ipod). I went behind where I live to the woods, where there are a couple of trails, and just enjoyed nature for a little. Ran as much as I could, walked when my legs hurt, and then started all over again. How glorious. My soul feels refreshed. No, the trails here aren't the same and can't compare, but some of the smells were the same. I think I want to be a trailrunner, it's quite invigorating. Thank God for the sunshine. I can never express just how deeply I crave and adore the sunshine. The warmth. The glow. The refreshment. I can't help but stop, turn my head towards the sun with eyes closed, and just smile. Radiantly majestic.

thanks kate

I would like to thank my old roommate Kate for introducing me to Sufjan Stevens.



I did everything for you.

pumped

This website just encourages me and I think it is amazing what the group is doing in Africa

Why the Woods?